Tonight I Wanna Cry...

***Be forewarned before reading this post!  It's just me venting...***

So, the title to this post goes well with my feelings currently.  At least, except for the drunk part.  I read over the lyrics recently and I've realized that I just need a good cry.  I'm not one to let my feelings show very often.  I'm a guy!  We're suppose to be the strong, silent type.  We guys don't show our softer side and cry.  At least, we don't show that side around the lady folk.  But, I'm to the point where I've gotta let my feelings show and let them come.  It kinda stinks being so emotional about stuff!  But I really wanna cry right now...

There's been so much that's gone on lately.  First, family life has been less than perfect.  I love my family to death!  I'd do anything for them!  But, some of them have made choices that affect the rest of the family.  Between an unwed pregnancy, divorces, and tension between family members, it's hard for me to deal with it all.  Lucky for me (I guess), I haven't had enough energy to worry and stress too much about this aspect of my life.  It hurts me deeply to know that some members of my family are making choices that will hurt themselves.  I can't do a thing about it, though.  All I can do is be supportive and show my love for them, no matter what choices they may make.  It hurts so much to see them choose this path!  It's not that I've been down that path, but I have witnessed others go down that path and it is not pleasant.  I love them so much to see them throw away so many precious things.  Not to be jealous, but they're throwing away things that I, myself, haven't had the chance to enjoy.  I know their choices are their own and that they'll suffer whatever consequences may come.  I just wish they wouldn't have to go through all that hurt that awaits them!

Next, the job hunt has been less than fruitful.  I've tried several places within my degree's emphasis but to no avail.  I've been told by almost everyone that I don't fit enough of the qualifications.  Really they mean that I don't have enough work experience to qualify for the job.  I know I've got a lot of things that I could put on there that would get me close to their qualifications, but probably not enough to secure me the job.  It's just frustrating that I can't find a job!  It's come to the point where I just want to find a decent job to pay the bills.  I almost don't really care where it is, which can be kinda scary.  With the economy the way it is, it's hard to find a decent job!  And even if I find one, I've gotta be qualified for it.  And then if I get the offer, I'm scared I won't have the job too long!  With all the layoffs going around, it's just a scary time to be looking for employment.

Next, relationship stuff has been stressful.  I thought I had a chance to go somewhere with my recent girlfriend.  We've had some rocky spots along the way so far, but nothing I thought was much of a threat.  However, she's been really distant lately.  Her standoffishness has kinda scared me.  Her actions would say one thing and her words would say something entirely different.  I never knew what to believe, which left me in limbo on what to do.  We had an awkward DTR a week before my birthday.  It was good to hear how she felt things were going and I tried to express some of my feelings.  Didn't get out as much as I wanted to.  Since then, things between us were weird.  She went all out for my birthday, which was cool.  But, that was it.  I got an message from her this week that was rather vague and confusing.  Couldn't really make out what she was really trying to say.  From what I could understand from the message, she said that I was perfect for her, but something was missing that wouldn't let her continue on.  What that missing thing was, I don't know.  So, I responded the best way I could.  I laid it all out on the line and let her know exactly how I felt.  For once in my life, I was brave.  I told her that I am falling in love with her but didn't want to pressure her into anything.  I got her response today.  We're now just friends.  A few friends and family members have told me to keep the friendship going just in case things change.  I'm thinking that they may never change between us.  I'll keep the friendship open but will look elsewhere.  Needless to say, I've been very bitter and stressed about girls lately.  Dating is slipping on my priority list again.  I need to get out of this rut that I'm in if I'm ever going to get married...

So, tonight I wanna cry.  I so need a shoulder to cry on.  It takes a lot of self-control to hide the tears and feelings I have inside.  Putting up the facade saying that everything is okay has been a struggle lately.  Surprising enough, I've had a lot of self-control about it.  How long that lasts is really the question of the night.  I don't know how long I can hold things back before letting it go.  Here are the lyrics to the song by Keith Urban:

"Tonight I Wanna Cry"

Alone in this house again tonight

I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walkin' away

[Chorus:]

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I'll find a way to be happy!  I promise!  Like all things in this life, it hurts in the moment but I always get through it somehow.  And looking back, I'll probably laugh at how silly I am during the whole predicament.  The Lord will bless me eventually with all my heart's desires as I continue to be patient and press onward.  But tonight, I'm gonna cry...