Let it snow!!!

So, here comes my ramblings for the day!  Not sure what's gonna come out on this, but here's to trying!  

So, it's snowed quite a bit up here at AG.  I think at the current moment, we've gotten a little over 2 feet of snow!  Isn't that exciting?!?  I know it is for me!  We've had a steady snowfall since Saturday, so that's nice.  We've been waiting quite awhile for some snow to fall!  I know Sundance has been begging for some snow up to now.  Now Sundance has the largest base amogst all the ski resorts of Utah.  Pretty nice, eh?  I sure hope it keeps up like this!  It did, however, stop snowing at around 4 today.  But the forecast calls for snow well into next week.  I guess that means that we'll be looking forward to more white stuff for at least the next two weeks!  Yea!  Driving in it hasn't been the greatest, though.  It's been rather hard to get around with all the snow on the ground.  It's been a powdery snow, so that's a good thing.  But, it's taken forever for the plow trucks to get up here and plow, so that means that we're stuck here until they do.  I've seen them come up occasionally.  Maybe two or three times each day.  And that's definitely not enough for us right now!  There hasn't been too many accidents though.  At least ones that I've heard of.  It's been a fairly quiet couple of days.  It has hurt our work schedule since it's hard for people to get up here.  So, that leaves us who live here to pick up the slack and handle all the camp's needs.  I guess that means more work time for me!

Not much else to say here.  I'm still the same, I guess.  Slowly getting over Christine.  It's been hard, but I'm handling it better with each passing day.  I have reverted back to my "shy guy" mentality when it comes to girls. Still can't ask girls out on dates like I want to.  I'll get there soon!  Family seems to be good.  No news is good news, right? Work plans are still up in the air.  Haven't gotten any news in that direction either.  Maybe at the beginning of next year?

My random ramblings for the day...

So, I once again return to the blog to write all my random feelings for the past few days.  Really not sure what I'll say, but I think I'm just gonna write and see what comes out!  I won't promise that it will make any sense to anyone, so don't judge!  This is just gonna be the random ramblings of a 26 year old guy trying to stay awake for a few moments...

First, the last few weeks at work have been crazy.  We've been doing two Christmas dinners a night for the past two weeks.  It's been kinda crazy.  One, we as staff haven't started our work day until 2 pm, which is quite a change from 8 am.  That only means we work until 10 that night to get our 8-hour day in.  Two, we've had to call up some help from past staff members to help with the crowds.  There's so much that has to be done with the banquets that it was nice to have a bit of extra help here and there.  Three, each dinner has been a unique experience.  Some wards come up here and eat everything we put out, even going to the point of asking for more.  Others hardly eat the first helping of food that we put out for them, so we have tons of leftovers.  I have seen many friends who have come up with their wards, so that's kinda fun.  It was a bit rough trying to meet the demands of the groups when we weren't prepared for some of their requests.  But, we learned to be flexible and adjust as quickly as we could to their changing needs.  It's funny to think how many people came and how many chose not to even come up.  On average, I think there were about 3 to 4 empty tables with each group that came up.  For a large group, that's okay.  But for a group of only 100?  Well, let's just say we found it as a waste of the ward budget!  But, I did get to enjoy having either turkey or ham for 14 days straight!  I guess I shouldn't complain all that much now should I?!?

Church stuff is going well.  Still have two callings.  Still glad that they haven't called me as the other Elder's Quorum President!  It's not that I'm not worthy.  It's that I don't really want the responsibility.  I'm fully content being in a less-visible position in the church.  I've seen some of the stuff they've had to deal with and it's not something that I'm coveting to be!  Plus, I've already served in two different presidencies, so I'll let someone else have the experience!  I'm enjoying my calling.  Haven't really done much with it, though.  But, there's really not much I can do with it anyway.  As long as I'm at the ward activities, I'm magnifying my calling!

As far as family goes, things seem to be okay.  No new news to report.  My family has said that "No news is good news", but I'm kinda scared about that mentality.  Yeah, it's good to hear nothing because that mean things aren't getting worse!  But, the whole situation isn't all that good in the first place, so I'm not sure no news is really good news in this case.  Things do seem to be going well from what I've heard thus far.  No improvements, though.  So, I keep praying and hoping for the best!  I guess that all I can do for right now...

As far as my social life goes, things haven't changed since the last update.  I have gotten over my bitterness towards girls.  I guess that would be a good thing if I ever want to go on another date, eh?  I'm afraid to admit that I was pretty bitter for awhile.  I've slowly moved on past that stage and I'm trying to get on with my life.  But now that I have to start back at square one, I've become the wuss that I normally am.  I've reverted back to being the outgoing guy in the group scenes but being too shy, timid, and fearful when it comes to asking girls on a date.  Something my dad said to me recently kinda hit hard.  He said I need to make sure my actions truly reflect my priorities in life.  If my priorities aren't matching my actions, I need to change my actions.  And he said it's very evident that my actions are matching my priorities.  I guess that's a good thing, eh?  I have wanted to ask a couple girls out on first dates since things went sour in my last relationship.  However, I've wussed out at every opportunity that I've had to ask the girls.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I was fine when I was dating a girl, but now that I'm single it's like I can't even carry a conversation with them!  It's pitiful!  A couple of my friends have tried to encourage me to do it, but I just can't seem to muster the courage to do it!  It's really sad!  I really shouldn't be like this anymore!  But alas, I am becoming more of a wuss each day.  Maybe it's a fear of getting hurt?  Or maybe I'm just too lazy?  Or maybe it's that I'm loving single life too much to want anything else?  Well, the latter might only be partially true.  I just need to get out of this rut that I'm in and get back on my feet!  And I know I can do it!  I just gotta believe that I can do it!

As far as careers and jobs go, nothing has changed there either.  I've applied to several jobs, but haven't heard from all of them yet.  I hope to hear back from some of them next weekend, but I'm gonna call them this week and check up on things.  With all this insecurity about jobs, I've also played around with the idea of going back to school.  I think I want to go back and become a firefighter.  Becoming a firefighter would help me in so many ways, too!  One, it adds more credibility to my degree in recreation management.  Two, there are a lot more opportunities in firefighting than there are in recreation management at the moment.  Three, a few of my buddies really want me to join their crews!  And I'd love to work with them, but I need to get some training first.  Four, it has been a childhood dream to play on big trucks and put out fires!  Five, what boy doesn't love playing with fire?!?  Six, firefighting pays a bit better than recreation management jobs.  And seven, we'll always need firefighters!  We may not always need people to run resorts.  So, we'll see if that becomes a serious option in the next six months to a year!

Well, that's about it!  That's a pretty good rundown of my life up to this point in time.  If you have any suggestions to any of the above, please let me know!  I'd be glad to receive any assistance that I can get!

So, I guess I'm a bit off lately...

I know, I know.  Writing in this thing repeatedly will be a record.  I'm not one for writing in this kind of thing on a regular basis.  But, I'm finding with time that writing feelings down is very theraputic for me.  It's not the best method of communication, but it's better than no communication at all!

So, I think I scared a lot of people with my last post.  I apologize for those who had to witness one of my "down" moments.  I needed to vent and that happened to be the method and means for me to vent at the moment.  It's been a rough month for me.  I'm trying my best to stay as optomistic and positive about the future.  I know things will eventually work out.  They always do.  It's just being patient and weathering the storm through it all.  I've prayed for patience and hoped the Lord would teach me how to become more patient.  I guess this is my chance to do so!

I'm feeling better today.  Working outside is another way I seem to deal with my feelings.  I like being able to exert energy into projects.  It's a productive way to release tension that builds up inside of me.  And, I can think a bit clearer when I'm doing some type of manual labor.  Call me weird, but it works wonders for me!  Went to my FHE tonight.  Was kinda fun.  Tried to forget a lot of things.  However, had a disturbing call during FHE which drew me back into the drama that is my life right now.  I hope that I was able to calm them down and resolve a bit of the issues that are there.  We'll see when I hear the news tomorrow!  Still not sure what to do about my girl issues.  I really do need to get back into the dating scene and start from square one again.  It's so hard to pick up the pieces and figure out how to start again.  I'm learning better each time it happens on the best way to pick myself back up.  I'm not saying I've perfected the method; I'm only saying that I'm learning how to better handle it.  I joked with my mom today about getting an arranged marriage set up for me.  I don't think she liked the idea.  I don't think she completely knows what I want and look for in a girl.  So, I guess that option probably wouldn't work out so well.  I think I've bought into the Hollywood notion of how "true love" is suppose to be.  I hate admiting it, but that would be kinda nice to have.  I know it's not real but I find myself strangely wanting to believe it.  I need to snap out of this mentality that I'm in!  It's doing me no good at all!  Anyone got a suggestion?!?

Tonight I Wanna Cry...

***Be forewarned before reading this post!  It's just me venting...***

So, the title to this post goes well with my feelings currently.  At least, except for the drunk part.  I read over the lyrics recently and I've realized that I just need a good cry.  I'm not one to let my feelings show very often.  I'm a guy!  We're suppose to be the strong, silent type.  We guys don't show our softer side and cry.  At least, we don't show that side around the lady folk.  But, I'm to the point where I've gotta let my feelings show and let them come.  It kinda stinks being so emotional about stuff!  But I really wanna cry right now...

There's been so much that's gone on lately.  First, family life has been less than perfect.  I love my family to death!  I'd do anything for them!  But, some of them have made choices that affect the rest of the family.  Between an unwed pregnancy, divorces, and tension between family members, it's hard for me to deal with it all.  Lucky for me (I guess), I haven't had enough energy to worry and stress too much about this aspect of my life.  It hurts me deeply to know that some members of my family are making choices that will hurt themselves.  I can't do a thing about it, though.  All I can do is be supportive and show my love for them, no matter what choices they may make.  It hurts so much to see them choose this path!  It's not that I've been down that path, but I have witnessed others go down that path and it is not pleasant.  I love them so much to see them throw away so many precious things.  Not to be jealous, but they're throwing away things that I, myself, haven't had the chance to enjoy.  I know their choices are their own and that they'll suffer whatever consequences may come.  I just wish they wouldn't have to go through all that hurt that awaits them!

Next, the job hunt has been less than fruitful.  I've tried several places within my degree's emphasis but to no avail.  I've been told by almost everyone that I don't fit enough of the qualifications.  Really they mean that I don't have enough work experience to qualify for the job.  I know I've got a lot of things that I could put on there that would get me close to their qualifications, but probably not enough to secure me the job.  It's just frustrating that I can't find a job!  It's come to the point where I just want to find a decent job to pay the bills.  I almost don't really care where it is, which can be kinda scary.  With the economy the way it is, it's hard to find a decent job!  And even if I find one, I've gotta be qualified for it.  And then if I get the offer, I'm scared I won't have the job too long!  With all the layoffs going around, it's just a scary time to be looking for employment.

Next, relationship stuff has been stressful.  I thought I had a chance to go somewhere with my recent girlfriend.  We've had some rocky spots along the way so far, but nothing I thought was much of a threat.  However, she's been really distant lately.  Her standoffishness has kinda scared me.  Her actions would say one thing and her words would say something entirely different.  I never knew what to believe, which left me in limbo on what to do.  We had an awkward DTR a week before my birthday.  It was good to hear how she felt things were going and I tried to express some of my feelings.  Didn't get out as much as I wanted to.  Since then, things between us were weird.  She went all out for my birthday, which was cool.  But, that was it.  I got an message from her this week that was rather vague and confusing.  Couldn't really make out what she was really trying to say.  From what I could understand from the message, she said that I was perfect for her, but something was missing that wouldn't let her continue on.  What that missing thing was, I don't know.  So, I responded the best way I could.  I laid it all out on the line and let her know exactly how I felt.  For once in my life, I was brave.  I told her that I am falling in love with her but didn't want to pressure her into anything.  I got her response today.  We're now just friends.  A few friends and family members have told me to keep the friendship going just in case things change.  I'm thinking that they may never change between us.  I'll keep the friendship open but will look elsewhere.  Needless to say, I've been very bitter and stressed about girls lately.  Dating is slipping on my priority list again.  I need to get out of this rut that I'm in if I'm ever going to get married...

So, tonight I wanna cry.  I so need a shoulder to cry on.  It takes a lot of self-control to hide the tears and feelings I have inside.  Putting up the facade saying that everything is okay has been a struggle lately.  Surprising enough, I've had a lot of self-control about it.  How long that lasts is really the question of the night.  I don't know how long I can hold things back before letting it go.  Here are the lyrics to the song by Keith Urban:

"Tonight I Wanna Cry"

Alone in this house again tonight

I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walkin' away

[Chorus:]

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I'll find a way to be happy!  I promise!  Like all things in this life, it hurts in the moment but I always get through it somehow.  And looking back, I'll probably laugh at how silly I am during the whole predicament.  The Lord will bless me eventually with all my heart's desires as I continue to be patient and press onward.  But tonight, I'm gonna cry...